Letters From Your Friendly Cashier: Inside Out Edition

Dear Customers,

Please try not to be too shocked. A lot has transpired since we last had one of our chats. For one, I'm not a cashier anymore and while I may still be friendly for the most part, I can also be your worst nightmare.

It all depends on you and your attitude. You see, when you decide to harass my cashiers or customer service people, I get to put the smack down. That's right. But don't worry, if you're a nice sort of person, we won't have any problems. And if you're not...well then I will still be friendly because that's what they pay me for as an hourly manager, but you can be assured that I will have my eye on you. I will be filing your sorry mug in the stores of my memory and taking names.

I have a pretty bad memory for a 33 year old. But there's something about a guy telling you to shove a jar of pickles up your rear that causes your memory to sear his ugly face there forever.

While we're on the subject, let's explore that situation as a tool of instruction for those of you considering the use of such tactics to get your way.

Oldish guy comes in with a small jar of pickles. Nothing wrong with them, just says the top doesn't pop when he opened it. But! He doesn't have a receipt. And as a general rule, we don't do any grocery returns without a receipt. He tells me he bought them 2 weeks ago and I wonder to myself why he's just now bringing them back. Perhaps the aliens detained him and injected him with sour pickle juice whilst aboard their spacecraft.

Maybe it was his demeanor, maybe I sensed the a-hole within him, but I denied his request. And the following conversation ensued:

Guy: Well, what if I go buy another jar of pickles and bring you that receipt? You'd never know.

Me: I wouldn't do it...because you just told me that's what you're going to do.

Guy: Hmmm. Well, what if I smash this jar of pickles on the floor? Would it be worth the $2.53 to clean it up?

Me: Uh...yeah, actually it would. I'd clean it up.

Guy: Well, how 'bout if I shove this jar of pickles up your *****!

And then he walks off. And then I tell him to leave the store. And I'm very proud that I didn't think to tell him to leave the store after he'd already left.

So really, he taught me a valuable lesson. The more jerkwads I deal with, the tougher I get and the quicker I am with the right response.

Thank you JerkWad for molding me into the sort of person I want to be. Thank you for sharpening my memory skills. For every time you come in now, I notice you. I give you the evil eye behind your back and tell my fellow managers to keep their eye on you also. You're on the list, Buddy and I hope you enjoy that.

So, I'm not really sure what direction these letters will go now. I do know that I learn something new every day. I still believe in shopper reformation. Now, more than ever do I see the dregs of humanity trying to pull one over on The Man.

Unfortunately, the asinine behavior I see doesn't even touch The Man, rather it hurts your fellow humans. And that's not allowed. The nice people shouldn't have to pay for your crappy behavior.

I can't make any promises as to how often I will write these letters, but I feel a need to continue.

So stay tuned...

Sincerely,

Your Friendly ex-cashier