Letters From Your Friendly Cashier: Inside Out 3

Dear Candy Crazed People,

Whoa Nelly! In my 4 1/2 years at The Market, never have I seen such a craze right before Halloween! What gives? We had every register open (except for the 2 that are broken) and still had lines. It's almost a relief for me when that happens because at that point there's nothing I can do. If people complain, it won't be because I don't have enough lines open, but because their fellow humanoids stole their idea and just couldn't resist the spooky sales and came out in droves.

It was a fun day: Halloween. The Man let us wear "safe and appropriate" costumes and being the exemplary employees that we are, pushed it to the limits. It was awesome: you all seemed to enjoy being checked out by witches, dolls, devils, gypsies, pirates, and hey-what's that tall girl with the striped socks supposed to be? A bug?

Once and for all, I was batty. Don't you get it? Here's a reminder:


It's a little something I like to call 'a play on words.' Obviously by the amount of times some of you asked me to repeat myself, you still didn't really get it. Perhaps all that candy had gotten to your deeper thinking skillz. Or perhaps you are just stupid.

Either way, I enjoyed the smiles and the "oh, you're so cute's" because at 6 ft tall and big boned, I don't get the "cute" compliment all that much. I did not enjoy the few of you who looked at me like I was trying to take away your birthday. Snotty looks at my fun striped socks really only tell me that your just jealous at my extra long legs.

Next year perhaps I should just go as my true self: an Amazon Warrior. Then I can just kick some butt and take names. It will be fun!

I find that the day after a holiday, everyone is really tired and cranky. And rightly so. However, it's not nice to take it out on employees at The Market. We're tired and cranky too, but we have to keep smiling so you feel good about spending $200 on groceries after you've already dropped $250 on candy and costumes a couple nights earlier.

For example, the lady who complained to me about the cashier coughing while checking her out: What gives Lady? I know everyone is all a-twitter about the Swine Flu, but get a grip, will ya? Have you been in a cave? Have you yet to get any of the other nasty viruses going around? Because I'll tell you: if everyone with a cough stayed home to keep from contaminating your groceries, then there'd be 2 cashiers left to work and then you'd probably gripe about the lines being too long.

I'm sure it didn't escape your notice that the cashier did cough into her arm; I'd been watching her all morning and was quite proud. You promised to call our store manager and give him an ear full and I eagerly await that since you will probably misquote me and get me in trouble. Perhaps you could go live on Planet Ah-Ah where nobody ever coughs, sneezes, farts and a unicorn named Harry will play Uno with you every night. Sounds wonderful.

Oh, and by the way, here's a little tip for you with somewhat lazy tendencies. We're usually just thrilled to go on price checks for your box of butter without a bar code. We pee our pants with excitement when a shirt has lost its tag. We moan with delight when you swear the price said $3.47 and it's ringing up for $3.59 and you follow us to make sure we find what you're talking about. But once we're back there and you remember that you forgot food coloring, you should know that if you ask us to retrieve it for you, we can't say no.

But we can plan your demise with our fellow supervisors. It will likely include a 5 step plan where the pain gets a little worse with each step and it might or might not include green jello and thumbtacks.

Just sayin.

The Friendly ex-Cashier